Die besten Witze - Seite 1348

Einer erzählt in der Kneipe: «Gestern war im Puff!»

Fragen die anderen: «Was macht man da?»

Antwortet er: «Ich weiss nicht wie es heißt, aber ab sofort ist dies mein Hobby!»

Ein Schimpanse erzählt seinem Kollegen: «Gestern habe ich ein Giraffe vernascht. Nie wieder!» «Warum, war sie nicht gut?» «Doch schon, aber zu anstrengend. War ich sm bumsen, wollte sie küssen, kaum war ich oben, wollte sie bumsen. Kaum am bumsen wollte sie wieder küssen und so fort. Das ist mir zu anstrengend!»

Plz dont ban me for this but read to see y i am laughing

sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I´m sorry. I´m just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I´m in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Don´t fucking laugh at me!
bloodninja: This shit is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a fucking break
bloodninja: I´m serious.
sweet17: I don´t get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I´m wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It´s kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are fucking sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren´t one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I´m not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: fuck you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
bloodninja: Weren´t you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don´t want to send you the picture cause I´m not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren´t
sweet17: IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU DICKSHIT!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What´s your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I´m looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I´ve lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I´m not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn´t you.
bloodninja: I´ll be damned if it ain´t!
sweet17: You don´t look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go fuck yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won´t get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn´t have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You´ve done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn´t hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can´t believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can´t believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: FUCK YOU!!!
bloodninja: You´d break both of his legs.
sweet17: You´re a fucking wanker!
sweet17: I´ve been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don´t even know me
bloodninja: Ok. I´m sorry.
sweet17: No you aren´t
bloodninja: You´re right. I´m not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I´m done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I´m sorry.
sweet17: I´m putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I´ll eat your kitty
sweet17: You´ll what?
bloodninja: You heard me.
bloodninja: I said I´d eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn´t get it hard after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I´d like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
bloodninja: Well I´m not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don´t know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I´m afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn´t that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won´t do it if you don´t want me to
sweet17: I didn´t say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can´t be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It´s my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you´ll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth cunt.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh ...going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I fuck harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: ...still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a fucking candy apple...
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: FUCK YOU DICKHEAD!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: ...going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

Was war der letzte Funkspruch der Challenger, bevor sie explodierte?

"Ich lasse jetzt mal die Frau ans Steuer ..."

Was benutzen Rechtsanwälte als Verhütungsmittel?

Ihre Persönlichkeit!

Eine Frau die am Schwanze saugt,... die taugt!

Und hier meine lieben Zuschauer unser Bericht von
der 2. Weltmeisterschaft im Wettbumsen. Am Start der Vertreter der USA. Erste
Frau, zweite Frau, dritte Frau und der Teilnehmer gibt erschöpft
auf. Nächster Starter ist der Franzose. Erste Frau, zweite Frau, dritte Frau,
vierte Frau, der Franzose läuft die obligatorische Stadionrunde, fünfte Frau,
sechste Frau und auch der Franzose gibt auf. Und nun unsere deutsche
Hoffnung: Erste Frau, zweite Frau, dritte Frau, vierte Frau, Stadionrunde,
fünfte Frau, sechste Frau, siebente Frau, achte Frau, erster Reporter, zweiter
Reporter, Ahhh !

"Ein Ingenieur der nicht säuft, ist wie ein Motor der nicht läuft!"

Jesus haengt immer noch am Kreuz. Kommt Judas vorbei:
"Na, die Feiertage hast du dir bestimmt auch anders vorgestellt,
was?"